This is going to be one of those really long update/bitch posts. Well not really bitch I guess, I’m just really frustrated and moody about allot of things. This just isn’t a good week for me. But let’s start with something positive.
So acutally actually before I even do that I want to talk about blogging in general. I started blogging a couple of years ago, my friend Nancy got me into it, and I loved reading her blog and her friends’ blogs and started my own, some days are boring some days are interesting and fun and funny. But its our way of easily keeping up with each others lives without having to have the same conversation 10 times, you write it all out once and all your friends read it. Some people think it’s stupid and dumb and pointless to those ppl I say: Why the fuck are you reading this then? fuck off. (I told you I was moody this week)
OKay now I’ll go to the positive things I was going to blog about.
Weekend Update: Well I’d have to stay my weekend started on Thursday night after week. I ended up going to a friend/co owrkers house after work, and there were 4 of us girls there, we all got hammered, it was a blast. I got home at 4 am. yeah…Friday was a slow lazy day…haha. PLayed dice with Shane for a bit then went to bed early . Saturday Shane decided to mount the flatscreen TV on the wall…..and thats all I’m going to say about that. Saturday night was pretty mellow, I did drink again. surprise surprise apparently. So I like to drink, It’s not like I get drunk everyday. oh yeah, this was the positive no bitching part…right, yeah so Saturday night we went across the street to our neighbors/friends to play guitar hero and watch UFC. I’m not a UFC fan, but as long as I have my rum and there are ppl to talk to, I’m good.
Not a good week this week: This week has two hard days in it for me, so if I seem moody, edgy and behave like a bitch, you’ll understand why and forgive me right? Tomorrow April 22 is my Dad’s birthday, he would have been 70. Thursday, April 24 willl be the one month anniversary of his death. I have to work all week too. Not going to be fun.
Bittersweet: So a little history lesson first, my husband went back to school about 8 years ago and we had to shuffle finances around a bit to make it happen. We ended up getting a $22k student loan in which both of my parents co signed. My parents were older then us (I would hope so) so the account manager strongly suggested that the life insurance be taken out on my parents instead of us. So we got the life insurance for the loan out on my parents. The loan has stayed at a balance of $22k for the entire 8 years because we could never afford to pay more then the interest. We were actually just starting to get into position where we were going to start paying it down. Loan protector insurance is only good to the age of 70. Then it drops off. As you read in the paragraph above my father would have turned 70 tomorrow. He passed away one month before his 70th birthday. My mother said it was his last gift to me. So the loan is paid off, gone, zero balance. which is a good thing, but I can’t bring myself to celebrate it or be happy about it. I’d rather pay the $22k and have my dad. But my dad healthy, not sick as he was. “It’s a bittersweet symphony, this life”
Me: I am so effing disgusted with myself. There are no words to describe. I feel like an Abomination. Seriously. I can’t stand to look in the mirror and pictures make me cringe. It’s been almost a year that I’ve been off prednisone, and my face still hasn’t returned to the way it was before. I used to have a cute heart shaped cute (Did I say cute?) face. Now it’s hiddeous. It’s fat and ugly and fat. I hate it. Hate it, hate it. (did I mention I hate it?). Not to mention the rest of my body, but it’s my face that bothers me the most. I will be in a wheel chair before I take prednisone again. I promise. Isn’t that sad? I’d rather be not able to walk and be sick then have my face distorted and puffy? that is sad. but it’s true. And know that there are people out there who cannot walk that hearing me say that would make them angry, because they’d give anything to walk, probably even a puffy face. I can’t help how I feel, and how much self loathing I feel because of my face. So needless to say I’m not feeling very attractive this week, and it’s making me want to withdraw and hide and not socialize. And i’ve felt so judged lately too. I drink alot, I will admit, usually every weekend, I like to be drunk. Drunk is good. but I only get drunk one or two nights a week, I don’t think that is out of control. Anyways. I just seem to have a hate on this week and I seem to be annoyed at everyone right now, everything is getting under my skin. Well not everyone, there are those of you out there that I love and you are helping me keep my sanity, especially at work, Deb and Val, you rock and work would suck without you and I so needed Thursday night!! And Nancy even though we don’t seem to have time to talk alot anymore, I love talking to you, because I can totally unload. And of course my Anna (newly engaged Anna) who has been away for a week, you are my rock and I missed you. There are more of you too that have been great, And I have friends that I’m so missing because you’ve been out of my life for awhile, and you know who you are too, would love love love to see yous, it’s been to long!
Okay I think I’m done.
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