Cranky after Church?

It’s Sunday after church and I’m cranky again, and I feel tired and drained. This is my third time going to church in a very long time, and after today’s service I’m noticing a pattern….I’m cranky.

Which begs the question, why am I cranky? hmmm….lots to think about.

I guess some history is require for anyone who doesn’t know about my spiritual life. It’s a really long story not all of which I’m confortable sharing but the long of the short of it is I used to go to Church regularily and was very involved and very close to God. Through a course of events I stopped going and fell away, far away. I was completely disconected. I always knew in the back of my head that I wasn’t making the right choices but it wasa just where I was, this was about 2 to 3 years ago I think. Recently, over the past few months well close to a year really, I knew I needed to go back, and reconnect, but it was hard and uncomfortable and I was working nights so it didn’t fit with my schedule. 4 weeks ago I started Credit training, Monday-Friday days so schedule wise I didn’t have any excuses. So I went. It felt right, uncomfortable but right. But I feel cranky and tired and like I just want to be alone and well kind of depressed afterwards, all 3 times that I’ve gone. I just noticed the pattern today, it’s a subconscious thing. Now that I’ve noticed the pattern I’m trying to analyze it and figure it out. I’m thinking it’s sort of an inner demon thing? My self, my dependant “I can do it on my own” self is fighting me, my decision to go back. A inner struggle on a subconscious level? does that make sence? What do I do about it Will time make it go away? I’m thinking probably not, I think it’s something I have to proactively desl with. I haven’t been so good with the praying and talking to God thing lately, but that is what I’m going to have to do to deal with this isn’t it? I’m open to any other suggestions? lol. It’s kinda scary. It’s like having a fight with your best friend and not talking to them for 3 years then walking back and trying to start a conversation. Where do you start? It’s not like I haven’t talked to God at all in 3 years cause I have, just few and far between. I needed God especially when my dad passed, I couldn’t have got through that on my own, but then I fell away again. The upside is I know God is more gracious and accepting then a human best friend would be; using that analogy, so it’s not shame holding me back….it’s just weird and uncomfortable.

So yeah, thats where I at. The depression after church thing, anyone have any thoughts on that? If you don’t want to comment here where the world can read it, please feel free to email me tina.morningstar@rogers.com.

thats all for now, Shane’s dragging me out to the meat market when all I feel like doing is hiding in my room by myself.